Inspiration and chasing dreams

Oh man some characters on Idol this year.  This is one of the shows for whatever reason I look forward to year after year.  I am not sure what it is about the show that I like the most, whether it is simply the singing, or the fact that these folks are courageous enough to put themselves out there, and give their all for their dream. Quite inspiring if you think of it, from the perspective of these kids.  To us, Idol is sometimes just another show for entertainment- to me I am just awe struck but these kids as young as they are having the strength, ambition and fortitude to move forward no matter what.  Although scared, they are still willing to put themselves out there.  Try to succeed, and gain strength and direction from the experience alone.

Personally, I have a lot of drive, I don't normally stop until I complete something. I am known for putting in extra to do what I have to do.  As strange as it is, even when I was young I never had the determination to follow my dream and charge forward full force.  That is how people succeed, they are fearless, it is not a special formula or book you can get for $19.99 with the secret. 

I let life get in the way of my dreams and have put others first.  Honestly, I can say I do not leave things unfinished, and I try to never have regrets (that is a challenge).  In comparison, my life is pretty ordinary.  Don't misunderstand, I wouldn't change my life- wish of course I was a millionaire or very well off, but no such luck!  We struggle just like everyone else in the world these days, and I know people are more worse off then we are.  All in all, I am just as happy on the path I am on. I don't feel like I didn't follow my dreams, they just changed along the way.  My bigger dream was always to have a family, have my babies and be the best mom I can be.  We had difficulties with this but never gave up, and I have my beautiful daughter, and I have my most handsome son.  It is bitter sweet to have my baby, but to have lost two as well.  Nonetheless, they are here, they are healthy, and we could not be happier.  And as a bonus, I have another daughter - and although she is not my biological child, she is still and will forever be my daughter.
Life is a journey, and I believe all paths eventually will lead to the same place, just depends on how long you are derailed.  Each choice, each decision will either get you closer to your goal or delay your trip.  Deep down I think everyone knows the way to go.  For myself I joke, I say to my husband, we are reading the same book we are just on different pages, I, read really fast is all!  He is living out his dream now, law school.  I don't know how he does it, and does so well, but again chasing dreams has a lot of power.  That is why I am hoping to jump start mine.  Somehow get moving find that little thing inside that pushes me to succeed and add to my story. 

Thoughts

You know I was watching American Idol and flipping back to the biggest loser (I love those shows) and Jillian was trying to get one of the women to understand why and how she got there. I found it so interesting because I am sure at some point we all wonder why and how we got somewhere or why things are the way they are because and how ironic, "there must be a reason" and I found myself really feeling for this women. She was so proud and strong, and so caught up in her own stubbornness that she was not even able to comprehend what Jillian was saying to her, or trying to teach her. When confronted later by Bob and she repeats back what Jillian said - she could repeat one piece of the information. You see- she closed herself off once she had an emotional reaction to what was going on and could only focus on one piece. I found this interesting because we all do it but we don't recognize it especially in ourselves. But for a glimpse, I recognized it in myself. We are all guilty of hearing only what we want to hear, but no we won't admit it most of the time. I don't. Well I do to myself but like this women, it is a form of weakness to me to admit fault. Not all the time of course.. not with material things or work things but to things that mean to the most. To those people that I don't ever want to disappoint, those I love the most. It is strange the way we are and how silly we react to feelings. My husband is also stubborn and has the same quality however the difference is that he is 100 percent true. And he will without a doubt admit when he is wrong, much before I will. I don't know what that means really- am I more afraid of disappointing myself or him or my parents...

My husband and I are a lot alike, but we compliment each other in a way that when I need it- he gives me the strength to be strong. He doesn't even know he is doing it. But he knows me, really knows me. I know him too, I may not remember how he likes his coffee and whether it is a milk week or a cream week. NO non dairy creamer at home must be milk- but if we go to Dunkins it must be xtra xtra ... I know this, but I'll still ask him. But these are non essentials to me. I KNOW HIM... who he is, how he thinks deep down, and I even know that no matter what he says... we are on the same page - we just don't always read at the same rate.

I admire him in ways he'll never know- yes all this from flicking the channels on the TV. When I think I tend to keep thinking... and then I think about what I am thinking because I want to know what it means. Most likely why I am an analyst... go figure.

I was hoping that when I write it will just flow, in stead of the random brain dumps I seem to be doing, but it is what it is and really... it is not like I am writing a novel.. it is just me. Raw, and simple with a hint of complex and mystery :O)

OK going to bed. Can't believe I am still awake at this point...