Tuesday, January 19, 2010


You know I was watching American Idol and flipping back to the biggest loser (I love those shows) and Jillian was trying to get one of the women to understand why and how she got there. I found it so interesting because I am sure at some point we all wonder why and how we got somewhere or why things are the way they are because and how ironic, "there must be a reason" and I found myself really feeling for this women. She was so proud and strong, and so caught up in her own stubbornness that she was not even able to comprehend what Jillian was saying to her, or trying to teach her. When confronted later by Bob and she repeats back what Jillian said - she could repeat one piece of the information. You see- she closed herself off once she had an emotional reaction to what was going on and could only focus on one piece. I found this interesting because we all do it but we don't recognize it especially in ourselves. But for a glimpse, I recognized it in myself. We are all guilty of hearing only what we want to hear, but no we won't admit it most of the time. I don't. Well I do to myself but like this women, it is a form of weakness to me to admit fault. Not all the time of course.. not with material things or work things but to things that mean to the most. To those people that I don't ever want to disappoint, those I love the most. It is strange the way we are and how silly we react to feelings. My husband is also stubborn and has the same quality however the difference is that he is 100 percent true. And he will without a doubt admit when he is wrong, much before I will. I don't know what that means really- am I more afraid of disappointing myself or him or my parents...

My husband and I are a lot alike, but we compliment each other in a way that when I need it- he gives me the strength to be strong. He doesn't even know he is doing it. But he knows me, really knows me. I know him too, I may not remember how he likes his coffee and whether it is a milk week or a cream week. NO non dairy creamer at home must be milk- but if we go to Dunkins it must be xtra xtra ... I know this, but I'll still ask him. But these are non essentials to me. I KNOW HIM... who he is, how he thinks deep down, and I even know that no matter what he says... we are on the same page - we just don't always read at the same rate.

I admire him in ways he'll never know- yes all this from flicking the channels on the TV. When I think I tend to keep thinking... and then I think about what I am thinking because I want to know what it means. Most likely why I am an analyst... go figure.

I was hoping that when I write it will just flow, in stead of the random brain dumps I seem to be doing, but it is what it is and really... it is not like I am writing a novel.. it is just me. Raw, and simple with a hint of complex and mystery :O)

OK going to bed. Can't believe I am still awake at this point...

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